Excerpts from “LOL”


The first 6 of 18 Stories in “LOL“:

Trouser Mouse

{ Those stunningly dark eyes and supple pastel lips really got my blood going as I arrived next to her to say hello. The dazzling Latina blasted upon me an electrifying smile. For a moment, I could feel that seemingly strange animal in my pants slowly working its way down my lower leg towards my ankle. I couldn’t be concerned about that at the time because a spectacular lady had engrossed this single man and I was standing right next to her. }

Three Old Men

{ I noticed the old man had lost more of his splendor since the last time we flew. Higher waters flooding the shoreline are eroding away his hundred year old foothold. His weakening knees poke from the sweeping river and insects are slowly gnawing at him like a cancer. His skin is cracked and peeling, and decades of violent storms have ripped limbs from his body. Lightning sliced off nearly a third of him, and a large section of his dried gut is exposed to his mother. A strong gust or a final bolt from above could fall the old man the next time the skies bring her fury. }

Kissing Nightmares

{ The other huge issue I have with Miss Crevice Mouth is this: What in God’s creation might be living down there in the vast abyss? I believe in the Swamp Thing, and I know that the Scots are on to something at Loch Ness. Conditions are ripe for a slew of beasts living down in that darkness. I fear that her alien-like fanged monster might sling out like a jack-in-the-box and devour my uvula the same way it gorged on her absentee tongue. This girl’s kiss is void of any feeling, and even though she can talk, I’m telling you there’s no tongue in her mouth. I cannot kiss the Abyss Kisser girl any longer. }

Hog Land

{ “I know your voice,” I stated. “Hugh Hefner! It’s been a long time buddy,” I exclaimed. “How you been, dude?” I held up my hand for a high-five, hoping that the Hefster and his bubbly friends would come out of hiding. Nothing happened. I looked at the lantern and around the room but no answer. Another minute passed by and there was still no response. Only silence and anticipation filled the air.  }

Magic Johnson

{ I was at a loss at coming up with my new Indian name when a little girl scampered through our area on the way to a patch of bushes on the other side of Crapping Bear’s tent. The warrior’s eyes saddened as he mentioned that cute little Bunny Runs had been having problems lately. “Poor child,” he sighed, “I warned her not to drink the water!” While sorry to see the young child uncomfortable, the situation did prompt me with food for thought regarding my new tribal ID. }

Goddess_69

{ Goddess_69 is an actress as well, and she’s made many special videos for me. Each video still-frame contains a slew of admirable talents in promoting her dedication to a better society and humanity. Chains portray her devotion towards the justice system and how crime in America will not go unpunished. Whips are obviously a warning to animal abusers and an alert to those who inflict this sort of maltreatment. Goddess_69 sends me a red flag statement: cruel people are being watched and will be captured one day. My Internet baby is leading the charge against mean and nasty people everywhere. You go girl. Be a leader to all young, online girls. }

 

“LOL” by Charlie Nitric

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  1. #1 by Edwin - Awkwardlist.com on July 31, 2012 - 1:54 pm

    I must read this! hahaha

    • #2 by charlie nitric on July 31, 2012 - 2:02 pm

      Hey Edwin -

      I’ve read your funny blog dozens of times, lol. Our humor is very similar, indeed! Yes, you will certainly enjoy laughing along with my stories. Happy Tuesday to you :).

  2. #3 by Patricia on July 31, 2012 - 7:04 pm

    Charlie!! Where have you been??
    Nice to see you back,

    Patricia

    • #4 by charlie nitric on August 10, 2012 - 7:13 am

      Hi Patricia -

      Good to see you also. Happy Friday :).

  3. #5 by Dangerous Linda on August 5, 2012 - 11:29 pm

    OMG — NOT the Trouser Mouse! Where the heck have you been???

    XOXO

    • #6 by charlie nitric on August 10, 2012 - 7:14 am

      Hey there Linda -

      That mouse will get a guy every time, lol. I’m here, I’m here. Hope you’re doing well. Happy Friday to you :).

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